Mumbling and Grumbling along in life…

Well, it’s been quite awhile that I’ve written something more substantial than just “Argh!”  But basically it’s has been that kind of year so far, strings of mind numbing frustrations.  Physically, I think my eyes are getting worst and as recent as the last three days, my right arm has been acting up.  It hurts like hell when I try to lift it or even stretch it.  I am hoping that it’s just a strain instead of something permanent like that awful term that the Chinese use, “五十肩”, since I will be hitting the big 5-O this year!  Sheesh!  Fifty!  To top it all off, my high reunion will be here in Vegas.  I haven’t seen almost all these people in over 30 years!  Talk about major anxiety attack!  Okay, I’m digressing again….

Let me start off by venting about work.  I have no idea what my boss is thinking.  Does he really think I can handle the whole damn bus department easily now that he needs to get 5 more buses?!?!?  Please surround me with at least one capable person.  The lady that works for me… what can I say?  She can’t go a week without making a mistake.  I am about to go out of my freaking mind.  To top all off, of course, my computer went dead two weeks ago due to a power outage that kept turning it on and off.  This is the second time in the last four months… so I finally got a new computer but of course, I got a home edition because it was $75 cheaper.  Even the tech lady for one of my programs (one that I had to reinstall for 3 hours) made a crack about it. 

Family life… unfortunately I think I really have to make a decision very soon regarding my Dad.  He is really taking a toll on Mom.  She the best Mom that I could have and most times, I don’t express it enough.  Dad is still Dad, great guy but when he goes on his “forgetful stubborn” binge, we’re all in trouble.  Who ever said that when parents get older, they’re like kids only had half of it right.  With kids you can scold them and spank them for bad behavior but what can one do to ones parent? 

So!  On all grounds, health, work, family, & friends (No time for them.)… I am sinking below sea level.  I think this is one of the worst year that I have had my whole life, which on the bright side, is not that bad since I’ve lived almost half a century.  Well, thinking back to seven years ago…. that was pretty bad but hey!  I survived and moved on.

Anyways, the sun will shine again tomorrow and maybe I will find a reason or solution for all my “woes”. 

New meaning to… Purple heart!

I didn’t realize that I have not mention here that Dad has been home from the hospital for over 2 weeks.  He is fine and have a decent appetite.  Thank you all for asking.  By the way, thank goodness, he doesn’t have “Sundowning”.  It was the side effects of the drug that the hospital gave him. 

Things are back to normal and with the holiday season coming up, I really have to settle down and start making out my New Year’s resolutions again… or maybe write a letter to Santa….

褪色的夢中情緣…

Photo by:  Joe Joe Huang

「褪色的夢中情緣」- Alice Lin
煙霧迷濛雙人行，色彩褪去難留影；
前程舊事恍如夢，莫嘆奈何是該醒。

- 李國湘
山霧迷濛遮湖光.
獨餘木橋落長影.
兩人相偕執傘行.
是友是侶誰分明?

I “borrowed” this photo from a friend on FB.  All the above contents are from his wall.  Needless to say, it fitted my mood. 

Coping…

As we go on daily with our routine, just how much do we take in stride?  The things we push from our active minds to make life just a little bit easier and a little bit less exhausting.  Some may say that I have denial issues and they are probably right.  I don’t enjoy dwelling too deeply because once there, the black hole has enormous powers of goofing with my mind.  Isn’t getting through the day tough enough already?  Now, where is this leading?  Well.. it’s death again actually. 

I just heard last week that another friend had passed away after a long fight with cancer.  Last year at this time, we all thought she had this evil beat but… it came back more deadly than ever.  After eight months, she finally succumb to its poison.  Linda, may you rest in peace.  I will always remember your laughter and generosity of heart.  Your love for life, family and friends are the beautiful memories you have brought to this world. 

Now, I must be getting on with my years because the “numbers” of friends passing keep going up very year.  I, vividly remember my first attendance of a funeral.  I was eight years old and my brother took me along to a funeral (cremation) of his college friend.  The news was huge at that time because he was a brilliant foreign student from Hong Kong and was found drowned in the University’s swimming pool.  I recall standing in the cemetery and all of a sudden, a very distinct odor permeated the air.  Someone told me that it was the cremation process.  Till this day, that smell is what I associate with death.  I had gotten so sick afterwards… For the longest time, I could not walk into a funeral or even go into a hospital without getting the jitters.  Actually… I can’t walk into a temple or a church without feeling uneasy.  So, unless I absolutely have to… I don’t.  It’s not that I don’t want to pay my last respects but the uneasiness will stay with me so long that I can hardly function.  I need (very egotistical of me, I know) to remember the person as they were when they were healthy.  That image has to supersede all else.  I cannot deal with that last impression of death especially if illness or accident has taken the life out and completely changed the appearance of the individual.  It’s just my coping mechanism… please forgive me. 

One year ago…

A little over a year ago, we saw each other up in San Francisco to celebrate your birthday.  A few months later I got the news that you had passed.  A few days ago, 瓊魚仔 came back from her trip and gave these to me from 師母.  These two beautiful compositions and your music were your special gifts to this world.  I regret that I have never heard these played live at your concerts but the CD is amazing.  Poignantly that both pieces are about the sky.  黃師傅，我諗你在天都同緊啲老友玩音樂，過得高興同開心。 好啦，咁我就在地上"曙光""觀天玄幻"來記念你 and celebrate your life.   Let me say one more time, “THANK YOU for enriching my life and showing me Chinese music is a culture that should be preserved for the future generations and yet progress into the modern era.”  I like to borrow a quote from Victor Hugo to sum up.   “Music expresses that which can not be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.”

Love,

Pea

Quote of the day

“The difference between school and life? In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.” by Tom Bodett.

Read this… love it but I’m wondering if I get any more test in the future, can they be at least multiple choice exams?  But I am so sick and tired of tests… maybe a yes and no test would be better… less “inny minny miney mo” choices and at least I have a 50% chance of guessing right. 

Two statues…

  Both these statues have one of their arms raised and the other holding a book…

but that’s about the only thing they have in common.

What do they symbolize for their respective people of the nation?  Unfortunately, I can only answer for myself regarding the lady on the left.  Growing up in the United States, the words from the Declaration of Independence are indelibly engraved into mind and soul…

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. —That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, —That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed.

I am not saying the US is a perfect nation because I do realize that there are numerous dark stains in our short history.  It took President Lincoln and the Civil War to free the slaves.  It took another 144 years, 14 years after Susan B. Anthony’s death to get the 19th Amendment of the Constitution, women’s right to vote.  Iran-Contra, Watergate, the assassination of President Kennedy and Martin Luther King, Korean & Vietnam war, September 11… I could go on and on but I am not here to give a history lesson.  I really like the reply from Anthony when she was asked if all women in the United states would ever be given the vote.  She stated, "it will come, but I shall not see it...It is inevitable. We can no more deny forever the right of self-government to one-half our people than we could keep the Negro forever in bondage. It will not be wrought by the same disrupting forces that freed the slave, but come it will, and I believe within a generation. Failure is impossible" were the words she left with her "girls" to encourage them on in the long discouraging struggle ahead.  Will I, in my lifetime, see a glimmer of freedom of light for all the people of China?  

June 3, 1989

It seems a lifetime or two ago.  Twenty two years have past and the exact details of what went on that night has faded somewhat but I still remember the feeling of dread and impending disaster.  I recall how it all began…a warm early summer evening, we had just finished dinner and all of a sudden the phone rang.  It was Tina in Beijing to my godfather, “He gave out orders to send in the People’s Army to Tiananmen Square!  His kids are on their knees begging Deng to rescind the order and he is refusing to do so.”  That phone call is when our vigil started and we were glued to the front of that television for hours to come. The phone didn’t stop ringing from that moment… HK, Beijing, Shanghai… updates poured in.  Trying to assimilate and digest all these reports had my head spinning.  I remember looking at my godfather and said “How’s this possible?”  He replied “It’s possible and the aftermath is even going to be even worse.  Any head that isn’t agreeing to this will have to watch out for their life.  Believe me, they will be silenced sooner or later.  The country is not ready for this kind of challenge and they will crush any who threaten their very existence.  The students that head this demonstration are not stupid but the people who follow them will suffer or die in the cross fire.”  Needless to say, on both counts, he was right. 
Twenty two years later, unfortunately I still don’t think that the country has moved towards democracy or acknowledging human rights.  Just seeing first hand some of the “high government officials” that come to Vegas, and just how they act or how full of themselves they seem, I am still disgusted.  They sneak in money to gamble, they eat, drink and whore like there is no tomorrow because the government is paying for it.  Isn’t there any accountability?  When President Obama comes, he at least don’t have these ridiculous request for a specific type of Mercedes limo, which doesn’t exist in the US.  Once recently, I couldn’t help myself but snicker and clap my hands, because a group had to cancel their trip because there was a brief corruption crackdown in China and they “chickened” out. 

RIP… Colin, Jeffery, and Jeff

There has been a lot deaths lately that has given me a pause.  I found out a classmate of mine from high school had just past and a colleague from another company past away this morning and now I heard that Jeff Conway died while in a coma for the last couple of weeks at the young age of 60.  The first two were very normal people who was fighting for their lives only to finally succumbing to their illness.  However, Conway practically threw away his life… When I heard that he actually had a serious drug problem for a long time and that his comatose was related somehow to an overdose of drugs, I was… let’s just say, quite disturbed.
I close my eyes and I can still remember seeing Grease at the theater with a bunch of my friends and having a blast.  Conway was a better actor than Travolta was at that time and I actually thought he was better looking too!  Then he had that stint on “Taxi”.  Damn!  What a waste!  Does fame really do that to most people?  Screw with their heads so much that they need to crush the pain by taking drugs?  Well, I guess he is at peace now or is his afterlife just as tormented?  My personal view about taking drugs is that the person can’t face the reality or the situation that he finds himself in and is looking for any possible way to escape.  So, my question is… if there is a spirit or afterlife, can he face that reality that he is dead?  Will he become a desolate ghost and a lost soul?  I wish him well and that he will or has finally found peace.
To Colin & Jeffery ~~ May both of you, RIP.  You will be missed so very, very much.

Power…. legs?

This is such a cool picture that I couldn’t help but post it.  Sigh… once upon a time… I could actually run down the street of New York in these heels.   Geez… what was I thinking? 

Summer is here!

The temperature has crept up to the low 90s.  So, I decided to have my hair cut, BUT I didn’t imagine that I would end up with more hair on the salon floor than on my head!  I must admit that the weight of my hair has decreased tremendously because it is so darn SHORT!  I hope no one would do the tap on the shoulder “Excuse me, sir…” line to me.  Haha!  Well, it will grow back, I guess.  It sure beats putting it up on a pony-tail and because that sometimes gives me a headache.   The real bummer is now I have to go color my hair because… it’s all very glaringly visible.  Hmmm…. the last time I had my hair this short was almost 20 years ago.  Gee, how time flies.  

At lunch today…

Today at lunch, my co-workers and a couple we ran into at the restaurant had a snippet of conversation that lasted for maybe… 6 minutes.  One of the gals said that recently she was told a true story and she wanted to see what we think… I blurted my reaction with such a cynical tone that I actually kind of shocked myself.  The story…
A guy friend was to stay at a couples’ home for a couple of days and a few hours before the friend was about to arrive, the wife had this “conversation” with her husband.  “I think we should have an open marriage.”  “What?!”  Needless to say, she went into the “friends” room for the night…
My instant reaction was… “Oh, you got to be kidding!  Dang!  I don’t know what is worst, 偷食 or this?!”  Now that I think about it… I still don’t what is worst but I definitely don’t think they should continue to be married.  I guess I am just an old fashion girl!  Kakaka!

開心？

今天老闆突然話送比我... i Pad 2. 
我對它真係冇咩興趣，發現我真係越來越怪...
係咪做到傻咗，定係疲勞過度，自己嗰腦hang緊機？ 對任何事情或人都...冇哂反應。

諗諗吓，都係明天帶回公司比番佢。 我寧願佢放我幾日假，我可能會開心啲。

Conspiracy behind Nuclear Plant?

今天收到這封電郵...  再加埋昨日聽聞一些好荒謬的說話。真是人心難測....

主题:

想想上海世博的亂, 能不慚愧 ! 中國先富起來, 可惜富而不 '  貴 ' 啊 !
看過這篇文章, 你可能不再可憐日本了( 多謝好友 Elaine 提供分享 )
日本核電廠背後的秘密
日本人對於核電廠的消息並不透明. 一開始美國主動說要給泠卻劑, 日本卻拒絕了.....
這麼嚴重的事情, 為甚麼爭分奪秒, 不派大量人力去救核電廠,只有幾十個工作人員及其他的自衛隊, 為甚麼不一開始用硼酸, 要用海水...... 許多人都猜核電廠有不想別人知道的秘密..
為甚麼美國的航母要調頭？他們的直升機在約一百公里外接觸到的放射物包含了甚麼? 如電影般的情節，背後隱藏了...
最要命的是，日本人採取了燃料，不是大家通用的鈾，而是鈾和?混合體。這樣做，經濟上非常不划算，安全上也不好。唯一的用處，就是燃燒過後的廢料，就是提純的?，可以用來製造原子彈。
其實這也是日本一直秘而不宣的“和平核能”政策，就是通過所謂和平的利用核能，日本名正言順地生產和儲存了可以製造幾千顆原子彈的?，再加上日本的技術，可以快速地安裝原子彈，用來制衡它認為有威脅的國家。
日本37萬平方公里，卻變態地修建了57個核電站，發出的電不到全國需求的30%，一個核電站有4-6個反應堆，即全國有三百多個反應堆。37萬*30%=11萬平方公里，即三百多個反應堆為11萬平方公里供電 110000/300=367平方公里
也就是說，日本的一個核反應爐只為367平方公里提供電力。相當於每個縣級城市就要配一個核反應爐。這TMD正常嗎？
事實上，作為一個島國，日本有著豐富的潮汐和風力發電資源，同時太陽能也非常先進，但該國對這些視若無物，多年來，全力發展核電。
如果這僅僅是電力需要也就罷了，但是，有多少人知道？在核電技術已經突飛猛進的今天，日本的核電設施卻一律死抱著第一二代技術不放。
福島核電站採用的是鈾?混合氧化物這種比鈾氧原料貴2-3倍，而且危險性高的原料，反應堆用的也是安全性差的快增殖反應堆，而且沸水堆只有一回路，直通渦輪。日本人玩這種手段只要有點腦子的都看得出來他們想要幹什麼：不就是為了儲備製造核彈的那點?嘛。
>   現在據報導爆掉的一號堆已經在用硼酸了。一開始不肯用是因為一旦用了硼酸，?面的核燃料就全部報廢了。福島電站用的可是MOX燃料(MOX燃料是混合燃料的??，目前用得最多的是UO2和PUO2构成的氧化鈾?燃料)，那可是極重要的戰略資源，你們懂的。
現在國際上最新一代的核反應爐是號稱出事故緊急停堆後36小時無人看護照樣安全的。但日本人就是不用。簡單地講，它們只造最原始最落後的核電站，絕不採用新技術，哪怕是新技術再成熟，再免費。
因為原始的一二代技術最有利於大量提煉核原料。最浪費，最低能，最高消耗，最大成本，最不安全，只為換得核原料。
這場核災難到底會發展到多大，至少還有三個問題沒公開，離了這三個問題，誰也無法預測。
第一個問題：它們造出來的四千枚核彈的原料存放在哪里？是否安全？！
第二個問題：在這些核電站?，到底還有什麼秘密，這些以製造核彈原料為目的的核電站?，都有哪些高危和不可告人的東西？！
第三個問題：日本這些年積攢的核廢料都放在哪里？在陸地上？還是在海?？還是偷運到哪里去了？會不會產生危害？
這些問題都是潛在的核彈級風險。是對全人類的安全威脅！
可以看出曰本的野心，他的堆居然是鈾?堆，而不是普通的二氧化鈾堆，看來造核彈就在他們掌握中。他們這盤棋很大啊。鈾?堆是什麼呢？簡單地說，?也可以做核彈，往長崎廣島投的彈就是?彈。他們不用二氧化鈾做燃料芯塊，而是用鈾?合金，這就很說明問題。
一切似乎冥冥中注定著，如果日本繼續製造核武器，他們將會用這些武器做些甚麼呢？沒有一個島國如日本般，不主力發展潮汐與太陽能，卻不斷地發展核電，用那些核廢料生產出能夠製造出原子彈的?。如果不是日本的核爆事件，日本將30%的全國用核能用電比例，再繼續擴大，再建多些核電廠，中國以及其他國家又再繼續建核電廠，朝鮮、伊朗繼續用他們那不成熟的技術去製造核武..... 世界未來將會怎樣?
一場海嘯，猶如潘朵拉的盒子，將日本的核武器計劃掀了開來，某方面也算救了日本人，還有我們。大部分日本人仍是善良的，他們也是無辜及不知情的，問題在於政治被日本右翼所掌握住。甚麼都敢講的石原慎太郎，也是在遭遇到切身之痛後，才明白到他們究竟做了些甚麼。將靈魂賣給了魔鬼，卻被那隻魔鬼反噬。
無論怎樣，希望世界和平，這個世界少些天災與人禍。

If the above is true… it is still not the “people” of Japan.  It is the government!  Conspiracy theories or actual cover ups happens in every country.  Those we have in our own government have been doing this throughout history.  As for USA, there was “Watergate”, “Bombing of Pearl Harbor”, the assassination of President Kennedy, Iran-contra, etc.  I can go on and on as I am not familiar with the Chinese government but I am sure they have tons of things that they’re hiding too.  But people, the bottom line is that it has nothing to do with those who lost their lives and those who lost love ones or desperately seeking them out in face of this natural disaster.  To lose empathy for our fellow man that is hurting in the depth of their souls is… just so cold.  I can’t even begin to comprehend…
As for yesterday, a few of us were chatting about the embarrassment of HK’s hoarding of salt to prevent radiation.  This is what came out of relatively “normal” peoples mouths…

Co-worker A:    我前日打電話比我媽咪，問佢...”喂，師奶！你買咗幾多包鹽呀?” 我呀媽答我，"癡線咩！ 我更係冇買啦"
Me:  哈哈！咁都好。
Aunty:  我呀妹都冇買！不過佢話..."更係日本人做得陰質事多，先會受到天災！"
Me:  吓？！(咁都得？)
Aunty:  係呀！ 第二次世界大戰時，日本仔剎咗幾多人呀! 南京..
Me (Interrupting):  我啱啱先睇完歷史上世界十大地震兼死亡人數，似乎中國佔咗三個。最死得人多那次係八十幾萬人-排第一喎。 如你呀妹咁講，中國的陰質史咪仲犀利？
Aunty:  唔知！佢係咁講…
Me:  唉，WWII都過咗六十年啦。到今時今日先來報應？ (咁德國嘅genocide又點呢？) 我都明明地嘅，當時對我爺爺兼我呀爸嗰代都曾經走過日本仔。但拉埋這次的天災來講，又真係好離譜...  其實我呢代都已經好幸福，就算有戰爭，係冇直接影響我。越戰，Dessert Storm，Afganistan, Iraq... 都離我好遠。 自己冇身歷其境。

After this brief conversation, I walked back to my desk and tried to shake the melancholy feeling that there are actually people out there that can even think this way.  I’d be totally honest with you about my feelings… things happen.  It was a natural disaster.  What can I do, other than give my blessings to those who need it most?    I have already donated and are in the process of putting a proposal to give a percentage of the companies’ gross sales toward the relief fund.  Life must go on… taking it one step at a time.  Start by picking up the pieces and start towards rebuilding, whether they are emotional or physical rubbles.
Ps:  I hate conspiracy theories… it makes my head hurt.  I much rather just deal with my wonderful parents and my challenging work.  This is my life and even with the ups and downs… trying to love every minute of it!  Right now, the sun still rises from the East every morning… till the day it doesn’t for me then… I will start to worry or panic!  (Hmmm… well, maybe not…it’s just not my style.)

Reminder…

During this horrific week of the natural and man-made disaster that is capturing the attention of the world, the resounding helplessness of mankind against Mother Nature is once again glaringly apparently to me.  In one of the most sophisticated society in the modern history, in one afternoon, their world came to a stand still.  For the past few years, I have had an opportunity to work very closely with Japanese tourist companies and their resilience during this national crisis leaves me in awed. 
I am for a few minutes here, not going to delve into their psyche or mine.  Because I suddenly have the urge to remind myself the flip side of Mother Nature.  To embrace once again the magnificent, the beautiful, the breath-taking side of her.  Rummaging thru a number of photos, I came up with these… and also some pictures that celebrate what it means to be “alive” and taking of life's simple pleasures.

Clear blue waters off the coast of Tahiti.  Even though this is of the ocean, it still calms me.

The majestic Bryce Canyon with its terra-cotta like warriors carved by the skill hands of nature.

An older couple…  sitting in companionable silence.

Her bright shiny eyes says it all! 

Hope these pictures brought a smile to your face, if so… I did my good girl scout duty for the day!  Embrace life because the sun will still come up the next day and as always because life must go on but hopefully with just the right touch of light heartiness.

Blind drunk...

... just wishing.

Hello…. it’s my year! Have yourselves a wonderful, fabulous Wabbit Year!

恭喜發財！ 笑口常開！ 身體健康！

Breath taker…

Every so often, something stops me in my tracks in my mundane life and I stand there in awe…

This happened last night as I stepped out of the office and “Wow!”  It took my breath away at first and then it gave me a nice sense of calm and tranquility.

Some food for thought…

This is such an awesome video.   It is so amazing that two such vastly different animals could be such good friends.  I hope you enjoy this because it kind of brought tears to my eyes. 

Enjoy!

Dear Santa…

I haven’t written to you in ages and since the internet technology is what it is today maybe I will have better luck getting this to you than sending a letter to the North Pole like I did when I was a kid of six.   
Christmas came a little earlier this year… in November for me.  For that, I want to thank you.  News of my best friend is free of cancer, my parents stayed healthy and I had the most treasured of gifts… fantastic memories of laughter and friendship. 
However, there is just one wish, one hope, one more present you can help me with.  I know I am asking for a miracle, but please let someone know in her heart that I never intended to betray her confidence and that even if our “cyber” paths never crossed again, that she is still very special to me. 
Thanks once again and Merry Christmas to you too, Santa!